Here are my possible loglines, for my novel ECHOES. Please do go to Bryan's page for the fest and take a look at his and the other entries!
1. When her identical other dies in a car crash, Echo must travel across the world to replace her, to fight for a name and identity of her own, and to survive in a world that despises echoes like her.
2. Echoes are born for a single reason: to mimic, learn and perhaps ultimately replace their other, and failing to do this can be fatal; the problem is, sixteen-year-old Echo just wants to be herself.
3. A girl is stitched in the sunlight of the Weavers' Loom, shaped in every way to mimic her other across the world; sixteen years later, she breaks every single one of the Weavers' laws.
4. Falling in love with a guardian, crafting wings instead of reading history, rebelling against her other's life and personality: these are things an echo must never do, only Echo, of course, does them.
I don't think any of these are quite right, or perfect, but hey. It was the best I could do! Cramming 400-odd pages into a single sentence is hard.
Thanks for the great blogfest, Bryan!
Well I like the premise...question is which one works best.
ReplyDelete4 is terrible...it's just grammatically questionable.
3 doesn't tell me anything except backstory.
I think 1 is the best. The problem with it is that "replace" could mean anything. Be more specific.
In all of these, I need to know the stakes and the consequences. What is her choice? Why must she do any of this?
Yup, these things are hard.
i like the second, mixes lyrical with explanatory the best i think.
ReplyDeletemy lame attempt (not of my book, obviously):
" To be yourself, or not be to yourself, that is the question: whether t'is nobler to adopt your other's personality to appease your guardians, your creators and your 'family', or to take arms against them and sacrifice all for a boy, some beautiful artwork, and your basic rights as a being of this fair earth. "
Not sure if this works, or breaks rules, so sorry. xx
I like the first or second best I think.
ReplyDeleteI like the first one best, too. The others are informative but perhaps more in a on-the-back-of-a-book blurb kind of way...
ReplyDeleteHow about "become her" or "take her place" instead of replace? (having read bits of your story I know what you mean, but it does kind of jar in a logline...)
Thanks for the feedback, Andrew, I agree with you on 4. I know what you mean about needing more conflict and detail in, grr, I hate log lines.
ReplyDeleteSteve, I think you win. While I don't think I'd ever be able to use that pitch in real life, I love it! Amazing!
Thanks, Jane, the first seems to be most people's favourite so far.
Tessa, that's a great idea! Thanks for the suggestion, I think it really works!
#2 and #4 work the best for me. And the premise of your novel is fascinating. And in the swirl of stats, I've forgotten the date of your blogfest. Just when is it? You don't seem to have the date above your link section, Roland
ReplyDeleteIt's on Tuesday, the 15th of June, but thanks for pointing the absence of the date in the sidebar out, I'll add it in right now!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you find the premise fascinating! It's such a tricky subject that I've had doubts about how intriguing people might find it. And maybe it means I'm not as terrible as writing a log line as I thought :)
I liked the first for what it sounded like, but it seems to me the second best gets across the unique premise for your story, and is therefore the strongest seller. Sounds like an interesting book!
ReplyDeleteI liked the first and second ones the best :) I think they captured my imagination and summarised the story most for me ;~)
ReplyDeleteAND YOU ARE SO RIGHT, cramming 400 pages into one line is absolute torture!
Very interesting. I actually like #3 the best, except think the "is"(third word) could be removed and the bit about sixteen years later might not be needed. But with a little work it could be really catching.
ReplyDelete#2 is good, minus the "perhaps" because that seems to counter the part about not replacing them being "fatal".
Well done and good luck with the book. ;-)
I think #1 is the best because out of all of these, it gives me the best sense of what your story is about. If you can add more detail about the why and the consequences, you'll have it nailed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for joining the blogfest!
I'm fascinated by the concept of this story, of Echoes and Weavers. I choose #1 because it is action, whereas the others seem more like background.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Andrew...I like number three the best. It seems to give the voice of your story. Weavers, breaking laws, mimics...tells a lot.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, if you read mine, you'd know I'm no expert.
Echoes are woven to mimic, learn and ultimately to replace their otherself, failure to do this is unacceptable, however, not being herself is unacceptable to Echo since she fell in love.
ReplyDeleteSangu!! You had me at #2! I really like that one. I want to read your book now!!! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts over at my blog!
ReplyDelete:)
I like #4 the best. I had a little play with it... don't know if this is any better though!
ReplyDeleteEcho must make her own name once she does what an echo must never do: falls in love with a guardian, crafts wings instead of reading history, and rebels against The Weavers.
Thanks for all the brilliant feedback and the suggestions, everyone! You're all amazing!
ReplyDeleteA lot of you seem to be intrigued by the book's idea, too, which makes me very happy!
I like the first and second one best. I think if you just kept reworking these two and fine-tuning the wording and sentence structure, you'll have some winners!
ReplyDeleteSangu, What's everyone saying? Hear it?
ReplyDelete"We like #1 and #2 the best."
My advice is to combine the information in the first pitch with the punchiness of the second pitch. What one lacks, the other captures.
- Eric
#3 is very poetic, but I think #2 is the most intriguing--I wanna read more!!!!! (Love the name Echo, by the way--nice!) :D
ReplyDelete